Complaints about the Haribo Tangfastics advert

The latest Haribo Tangfastics advert really annoys me. It continues the general marketing theme for the addictive brand of gelatin-based snacks. That is, essentially, kids and grown ups love them so. This advert features a mischievous young page boy at a wedding offering the sweet treat to various members of the wedding party who are assembled for a post-nuptial picture. All who partake - we are led to believe as a result of the Tangfastics taste sensation - contort their faces in a manner unbecoming of wedding guests set to be photographed for posterity.

Rather than the bride taking part, she discovers after the picture has been taken that they've all been acting like idiots and she is demonstrably unimpressed and upset. You might expect in an advert of this nature that she would laugh along with them at the joke and partake in a Tangfastic herself, for a closing shot of everyone pulling an hilarious face for the camera that unites us all in admiration of the wondrous ability of Haribo to bring out the best in everyone. Instead she's just pissed off and everyone's laughing at her.

So on what is most likely the biggest day of her life, one that she has spent months preparing for and looking forward to, she has a large group of people - most likely her own family and the family she has just married into, the people closest to her in the world - making fun of her. One of the bridesmaids seems to take particular pleasure in ruining the photo, seemingly because she gets moved out of the way as the bride makes herself centre of the attention - obviously outrageous behaviour for a bride on her wedding day.

I've spent far too much time imagining what happens post advert, as the whole episode taints the rest of the bride's day. She is left wondering why people would be so insensitive to ruin a photo on what is meant to be her special day, while her guests wonder why she's so uptight about them having a bit of fun with some sweets. Most likely she manages to put a brave face on it, but it simmers for months, eventually erupting to the surface in (what is to her husband at least) a completely unrelated argument about what colour they should paint one of the spare room walls (that's right, just one of the walls - it's one of those feature walls where you make a bold statement with a different colour from the rest of the walls, and stuff).

In the closing seconds of the advert, the little bastard who offered the sweets around in the first place sniggers with his indulgent parents, who really should firmly discipline him for such errant behaviour. So to conclude it is abundantly clear that Haribo want you to see their Tangfastics sweets as an accessory to bullying and exclusion. All of which leaves a *sour* taste in my mouth. Get it? Sour?

Notes on popular music artist Jessie J's hit parade topping ditty, "Nobody's Perfect"

It seems I often pay more attention to song lyrics than other people. For example, most people I've spoken to about the Killers' smash hit "Somebody Told Me", haven't realised the song is about a man lamenting two of his ex-girlfriends becoming lesbian lovers. Go and listen and let the epiphany wash over you, then adopt a smug air and tell all your inattentive friends about it and reap the rewards in elevated social status* (*may not actually occur).

Anyway, Jessie J. I must take issue with a line in her latest single, which runs thusly:

I'm not a saint, no not at all

But what I did, it wasn't cool

Have you noticed the problem yet? That's right, it doesn't make bloody sense.

First of all, join me in analysis of the phrase itself. She's used a common speech device where one expresses one's lack of expertise, practice or knowledge in a particular field to then highlight their thoughts on the subject so as to emphasise the apparent obviousness of their statement. A common set phrase for this would be "I'm no expert", i.e., I don't know a lot about this subject, but I do know this... as in "I'm no expert, but I don't think it's wise to take your laptop into the bath with you", or "I'm not a rocket scientist, but I'm fairly sure that satellite launch wasn't supposed to result in an explosion after seven seconds".

So now we've established that, let's look at why Jessie J deserves my opprobrium. It's because she first expresses she's not a saint, then when the style of phrase she's using dictates she should actually be expressing something saintly that she did - e.g. "I'm not a saint, no not at all, but I did help an old woman get some bread from a shelf she couldn't reach the other day in the supermarket" (those familiar with the song might pedantically point out this change wouldn't necessarily fit in seamlessly with the lyrics) - she again complains that what she did, it wasn't cool. So Jessie, you're not a saint, but also you did something un-saint-like? Well that's not actually a surprise, is it. And reason enough, I believe, for this single to be stripped of any sales it has achieved, and for its rise to the top of the charts to be expunged from the records.

Nobody's perfect? Indeed, Jessie. And don't even get me started on her proclamation that "karma comes back around".